Retirement. I’ve Got Questions
Letter to a friend trying to figure out her future.
Recently a good friend emailed me, asking for advice on retirement. As someone who left the working world on the early side, I’m honored that she thought I might have some answers. Here, with her permission, is my response:
Dear Renee*,
Thank you for trusting me with such hard and thoughtful questions. First let me say that I love that you’ve come to a place in life where you feel like you don’t know anything anymore. That, my dear, is a sign of true wisdom. Remember Socrates said, "The more you know, the more you realize you know nothing." I believe that realization is our impetus to stay curious, constantly learning and growing. How boring life would be if we knew it all. (And how boring are those people who think they do).
You want to know when it’s the right time to retire – especially when people older and younger than you are retiring. The one piece of advice I can offer is to please forget about what others are doing. This is your journey, and only you can know the answer. That’s both a blessing and a curse.
The blessing is YOU get to choose. And there are no rules. The curse is that you get to choose, and there are no rules. Life would be so much easier if someone simply handed us a set of instructions.
There are some simple road signs, of course. The first one is knowing when you can afford to retire. Van and I wrote down every single penny we spent for a full year, so we had a pretty good idea of what it cost us to live. Our financial advisor took that number and helped us figure out what was possible. The surprise has been that we actually spend less in retirement than we expected – despite living “our rich life.”
The next sign post is whether or not you enjoy your job. Is it something that brings you satisfaction and purpose or does it simply add stress and make you question your relevance? Do you continue to work because you don’t know what else you’d do? Perhaps you do enjoy your work, but there’s something out there you’d rather be doing.
Now is the time.
As Annie Dillard famously said, “How we spend our days, is, of course, how we spend our lives.” The gift of retirement is that you get to decide how you want to spend your days.
You also wondered how to plan for the adventure of retirement when Jack isn’t on the same page. That's something only you can figure out. As you know, marriage is all about compromise and negotiation, and never more so than when it comes to re-imagining the future. I'd start by having a conversation with him. Maybe something as simple as, “I'd like like to retire by June 30, 2025 and these are some of the things I'd like to do then. What do you think?” Of course, you also need to be open to hearing what his vision of the future looks like. You might find out that even though you are initially miles apart, you eventually discover a place where you can both meet.
I wasn’t quite ready to leave my job when Van was ready to retire, but I also knew that our relationship would feel out of kilter if I didn’t. We had some things we wanted to do together, and it seemed like we needed to do them soon. Did I miss working? Yeah, I did, at first, until I found ways to fill the void.
Van and I do a lot together, but when I mentioned that I wanted to hike Mt. Blanc, he wasn't interested. Instead, he bought a road bike and is planning a trip to Yosemite with his buddy. I know one couple where the wife loves her job and wants to keep working, but supports her husband’s desire to retire and play golf, ride his motorcycle and build things. But I also know a couple divorcing after 42 years of marriage because their paths diverged. The common thread I’ve heard from my friends who are making different scenarios work is communication, respect, and a desire to see their partner go after their dreams now that the kids are grown and there are less constraints.
How will you know what’s right for you in the next few years? I don’t have a crystal ball, and I’m assuming you don’t either. Just remember this: life is fragile and uncertain. A good friend of mine went to breakfast a couple of weeks ago with a pal who complained that his abdomen was hurting. Both of them brushed it off to the fact that he had bought a new rowing machine. He’d probably just over-exerted himself in his enthusiasm to try out his new toy. Nine days later, my friend’s pal was dead from undiagnosed stomach cancer.
What you want out of life at this point? When you imagine your perfect retirement what does it look like? You might not actually know what you want right now. My suggestion is to look for what brings you joy and/or purpose in this moment, and if you’re not finding it– pivot. There are a few decisions in life that are irreversible, but most aren’t.
I’m a big believer in getting clarity by truly listening to what your heart wants and trusting yourself (after all, you’ve made it this far in life). Throw all those “shoulds” you've been carrying around (we're Lutherans, there's a lot of them) into the garbage along with your morning coffee grinds. And spend a bit of time each day thinking and journaling about what your ideal life look likes – making sure to shut down those gremlin shoulds. Once you know what you truly want, it’s a lot easier to overcome real or perceived obstacles and live intentionally. The process reminds me of excavating an archeological site in order to find the treasure buried below.
It goes something like this: On day 1 you write, “I want to travel and do something meaningful in retirement.” Then on day 29 you find yourself writing, “I want to travel to Japan and volunteer a couple of days a week when I’m retired.” For days it seems like you’ve got nothing until on day 47, your pen has a mind of its own, “I want to travel to Japan on a food tour in July 2026. When I return I think I’d like to volunteer in an elementary school. I also want to train for a half-marathon.”
At least that’s what happened to me. Journaling helped me understand that I want to be in nature. I want to write. I want to nurture strong connections with my family and friends. I want to travel, and I want to read good books. That’s what living a rich life means to me.
What does it mean to you? Go do that.
If you do, you’ll find yourself answering your own question about how to age gracefully. To me, aging gracefully comes with accepting where you are in life, and cherishing and using all the wisdom you’ve gained through living this long. Stay curious. Stay engaged. Stay joyful. And most important of all – stay grateful. Each day is a gift.
That’s all I’ve got, Renee. I hope it’s helpful.
Take care,
Kaarin
*Names have been changed.